Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Secret to Charming Boys (Especially The Kind You're Not Interested In)

Location: Dorm desk
Listening to: Nothing...
Today's Odd Holiday(s): National Cream-Filled Doughnut Day

I think I must give off some kind of pheromone that attracts perfectly nice guys, but the type I'm not interested in dating. If you're interested in attracting these kinds of boys (hell, you can have mine) just follow these easy tips!

1.) Be excruciatingly awkward. This is the key to attracting any worthwhile man. The more uncomfortable you can make social situations, the more endearing they will find you. This includes saying every thing that crosses your mind, no matter who is around you or what you're thinking; pointing out the obvious; telling embarrassing stories from your past/childhood; talking about your friends as if everyone else knows them (or over explaining who they are after you've mentioned them in the past);  or simply standing quietly in the background and looking around uncomfortably as if you wish you could leave without being rude.

2.) Have crazy hair 70% of the time. Boys get intimidated by how gorgeous you are. Tone this down by piling your hair on top of your head in a sloppy, messy bun as often as appropriate. Braid your hair when it's wet so you end up with a crazy, wild jungle on your head. Try variations or hybrids of other hairstyles (pigtails, half-up, side pony tail, etc.) and then make it look like you just went for a four mile jog through the rain forest during monsoon season. It will help them feel more comfortable around you.

3.) Be overly confident. You know you're perfect. Make sure they do, too. When they begin to tease you about something, go, "Well, of course I do that. I have to have some flaw." And prance about. Make sure you hold yourself as if you are above everyone else. Keep your chin up. Make constant, unnerving eye-contact. Flip your hair and giggle. Above all, make sure they know how awesome you think you are. It will only help them see it more.

4.) Be terrible at something. The other day I was playing pool against some guys. I'm terrible at pool. One of the guys is pretty much a pro. He found my suckitude endearing and ended up asking for my number (true story). If you are terrible at something, guys will just want to help you learn how to do it right. So make sure you suck at something when you're around them. It could be a sport, dancing, playing a game, understanding something, or even simply walking.

5.) Talk to them about the other guys who like you. If you tell them that other guys are interested in you, they will see that you are a hot commodity. Think the laws of supply and demand. Because there is only one of you, demand will go up once the boys find out how awesome other guys find you. If you tell them that you're not interested in the other guys who like you, they will feel like you need them to protect you from the unwanted suitors. So make sure to tell them about every single crush you have and that you find someone has on you.

Ok, just kidding. Although I'm sure some of that would work in certain situations. Like, a lot of guys really do like teaching a girl how to do something. It's a really good ice breaker. But most of the other advice I just gave is crap. Please don't follow it (or don't blame me for any negative results if you do).

I'm up to three college suitors. On Sunday, a bunch of people were watching the football game in a dorm basement, and me and this other girl got bored, so we asked if anyone wanted to play pool. So we started playing against some guys and losing miserably. I have a tendency to kind of laugh at myself when I suck really bad at something, so even though my lack of skill was totally embarrassing, it was still fun.

Eventually some other guys came and played us. And we were losing for a while, but suddenly we were winning (because we kept challenging the guys to do impossible shots), so we made a bet. Losers had to make winners cookies. Of course, we ended up losing. And then the guys decided they wanted to play on co-ed teams, so we mixed it up. I was with a guy named Jordan (not the previous Jordan. This Jordan will be J2 to distinguish). He's kind of a pro at pool. He can do all of these trick shots.

Anyway, the girl I had been playing with and I decided to trade numbers so we could figure out the cookie baking thing. So I told her my number and after she put it in her phone, J2 sidled over and was like, "What did you say your number was?"

I don't know how this keeps happening. Or how it's always boys I'm not interested in. If only a certain Hunky RA would fall under my spell!

OH! That reminds me. I've enacted kind of a social experiment. We can send mail to anyone on campus, postage-free. So I printed up a few letters that said, "Your challenge: Get out of your comfort zone. Make plans with someone you don't know very well. Get to know them better." And I sent them to various people I know around campus. I didn't include a return address and I didn't address them to a specific person. I just sent them to the room number, so either they or their roommate could get it.

Hunky RA was one of them. And, since he's an RA, he has a room to himself. Part of the experiment was to try to get people to meet/befriend new people. The other part was to see if he would pick me as his person (if he ever does anything about it). I included a note in his that had a quote from one of my favorite PostSecret postcards. "If you're waiting for a sign, this is it. Take a chance. It will be amazing."

We'll see how that goes.

In the mean time, go enjoy a cream-filled doughnut today. :)


  1. I am a guy, and these are all right. How did you know?

  2. this is hilarious. my hair is crazy 70% of the time, i am incredibly awkward (sometimes), but at the same time very confident. so basically all of this applies to me, but i don't seem to have your problem of attracting (the wrong) boys. sadly.