Saturday, October 30, 2010


Location: Desk
Listening to: Jerseylicious (don't judge me...)
Today's Odd Holiday(s): National Candy Corn Day; Mischief Night

So, today I was rereading some stuff I wrote in notes on Facebook, and I found this little gem. I wrote it last April. College has only proved to me how incredibly accurate I was. Read and enjoy!

This was inspired partly by the fact that we're doing demonstration speeches in Speech right now (I very nearly used this as my topic), and partly by the fact that boys are frustrating me right now.

How to Identify a Douchebag

1.) The D-bag is a stylish creature. They tend to dress in trendy clothes including (but not limited to): polo shirts, distressed denim, and aviator glasses. A stereotypical douche may also wear a visor turned upside-down and to the side. However, do not be fooled! Douche's possess the ability to camouflage themselves, making it nearly impossible to distinguish them from normal guys simply by appearance.

2.) In more cases than not, Douchebags will play some kind of instrument or another. Usually the electric guitar. He will probably believe that he is more skilled in this instrument than he is in reality, but occasionally he may be an exceptional musician. The musical D-bag will probably be part of a band with a name like "FireStorm" or "East Coast Block Party". He will probably play music that he considers extremely profound, with lyrics about the girls he has dated or things he believes will make him seem "sensitive". Probably, this music will make your ears feel minorly assaulted, as it will be nonrhythmic and posses a small amount of either unnatural screaming or shrill high notes that don't quite qualify as falsetto. It will be the kind of music his fellow Douches will sway back and fourth and bob their heads to. This is known as "The White Boy Shuffle".

3.) Douchebags will take great pride in their vehicle. It does not matter if they have a super nice Mustang or a crusty old van. This thing will be their baby. If you insult it (even indirectly, even on accident) they will throw a hissy fit the likes of which most 5-year-olds wish they could achieve.

4.) These types of boys are pretty much toddlers with drivers licenses. They like getting their way, and they will let you know how upset they are when they don't. They pout and whine and pitch fits left and right. Most of the time, they don't have actual arguments for why they deserve to get their way. They simply know that they should, and think you should know it, too. They also very seldom work for what they want. Instead, D-Bags would love for it to just fall in their laps.

5.) This particular breed of boy has a very fragile ego. It's my belief that they evolve (or, maybe, devolve?) into Douches in order to protect their self esteem. Sadly for them, it just gives people more reasons to be annoyed/repulsed by them. If you insult anything he likes or believes, the D-Bag will take it very personally, perhaps even going so far as to break up with you or disown you as a friend for not sharing the same beliefs. They are very single minded this way.

6.) The Douchebag's natural habitat includes sports bars, high school cafeterias, and college quads. They like public places where they can pray on pretty, unsuspecting girls. They generally surround themselves with undesirable characters in an attempt to make themselves look better.

7.) Douches generally have "a thing". This may be a cause, a hobby, or an extremely strong opinion that they focus their personality around. This "thing" defines their existence. It gives them something they can always talk about and use to try and impress the ladies. Usually, it's something that could be construed as creative/sensitive, but in their case comes off as forced or cheesy. They may not even be genuinely interested in it. To them, it's something that will appeal to females in an attempt to help them get in their pants.

8.) The D-bag loves being ironic. He will attempt to dress in ways other people find unconventional/out-dated, listen to music no one listens to anymore (like 90's boy bands or bad rap), or pretty much do anything regular people will not do in order to make himself seem unique or different. He thinks it's cool to like the things no one else does, and as soon as someone else shows interest in something he enjoys, he'll stop liking it.

9.) This type of male is incredibly pretentious. They believe they know everything about every subject ever conceived by anybody, anywhere. Even if you are totally aware of what it is you're trying to do and know how to do it, they will attempt to correct you. Oftentimes, they won't even know what they're talking about. They probably just saw someone do something similar once and think they have the whole thing memorized. Douches often also try to teach you things you already know, because whoever you learned it from was wrong. Obviously.

10.) Douches come in all shapes, sizes, ethnicities, and sexual orientations. While this list contains some useful information that may or may not help you identify a Douchebag, it should be taken into consideration that, while some fall into a stereotype, not all douches are the same. Each is a douchebag in his own douchebaggy way. He will approach his douchebaggetry in whatever way he wishes, and may even be aware of his douchebagness. This will give him the ability to hide it if he thinks it will reflect poorly on him. But a douche is a douche, and they seldom change.

1 comment:

  1. That's... handy. lol
    I guess I'll have to be on the look out for d-bags.