Epiphany

Location: Desk
Listening to: Backseat Goodbye (a wonderful acoustic singer/songwriter-ish band)
Today's Odd Holiday(s): Punk For A Day Day; World Pasta Day

I was just sitting at my computer, browsing through SayingImages.com when I came across this.

I can't believe how stupidly I've been approaching my love life. My entire life, I've been so worried about how people see me. I really want to impress people I admire, because I want them to admire me, too. This especially applies to guys I'm interested in. I only want them to see my best side, so I get shy and nervous around them - hardly attractive or flattering features.

No matter how hard I tried to be comfortable around guys, even ones I'd been dating for a while, I was always overwhelmed by this huge need to never look stupid. Half of being human means being stupid. That's what makes it fun. I have no problems being completely silly around my friends. Even around guys who I know like me, but who I'm not interested in back. But around guys I want to like me, who I'm interested in for whatever reason, I clam up.

I can converse with ease through text messages or e-mails or the internet. I have time to think and formulate responses to have the best combination of flirtatiousness and coyness and intelligence and humor. In person, though, I have a hard time thinking of things to say. I'm so afraid of sounding unintelligent or air-headed. I want people to take me seriously and see that I have wit and a quick mind. But it's hard to convince anyone of that when you don't say much more than, "That sucks." "Oh, really?" "No kidding." "Gigglegigglegiggle."

This one little image helped me realize that I need to take a little pressure off of myself. No wonder I have anxiety! I'm always trying to make everyone like me, and not even the real me. A fake, statuesque version of myself. That girl who is quiet and laughs uncomfortably at everything and can't think of how to reply to what a boy says...that's not me.

I'm loud. I'm obnoxious and sassy and strange. I do things that are silly and stupid, and I love every minute of it. I whine frequently about things beyond my control, I sing at the top of my lungs when I think no one is listening, and I dance around in my underwear (much to the discomfort of my roommate). I adore my friends and they love me back, even though they're totally aware of my flaws and imperfections.

I should start looking for a guy like that. One who I don't feel like I have to impress. Someone I can be totally me around and not care, just be comfortable. I need to take a chill pill (whoaaa, 90's cliches!) and let myself relax. If I keep myself as tightly wound around the guys I like as I have been, I'm going to have a hard time opening up to anyone. And what's a relationship without openness and honesty?

Nothing.

Phew, that was intense. I'm going to guest co-host a radio show on campus tonight with my friend Brad. I'm really excited for it. I'll let you know how it goes!