Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Trailer Park of Terror

Location: Take one guess.
Listening to: The laugh-track on That 70's Show
Days til Graduation: 54
Followers: Foor. (Yes. Foor.)

Hello, Internet. How are you today? I've gotta say, I'm having a pretty awesome day today. Well, maybe not awesome, exactly. But not sucky.

Things That Made Today Not Suck:
-I got rear-ended leaving school by a giant truck (kind of like that), except my tiny car is apparently part tank because it was totally fine. I'm not even sure it was scratched. And the rear-ender felt bad, which proved to me that stoner hicks DO have feelings! So hah, high school stereotypes. I laugh in your faces! (I was just tempted to type "feces" but that wouldn't have made sense, or been appropriate...but it made me giggle anyway...because I'm incredibly mature for my age...)
-I made four dozen peanut butter cookies in foods (AND DIDN'T MANGLE THEM IN ANY WAY!) and got to keep them ALL because the rest of my group was: a.) at a track meet -or- b.) ditching class.
-I have almost no homework.
-It rained.

So, it was a pretty non-sucktastic day. Which is nice. I wanted to write this post while watching the new episode of Glee tonight (which is my favorite show, probably because I'm a theater kid and looovvveeee that someone decided to make musical TV series), but then I realized that would mean I would either have to not pay attention to Glee, not pay attention to writing, or write from my virus-ed laptop.

None of those sounded like fun.

So I'm writing now. Except, like yesterday, there really isn't anything to write about. Oh! I have to answer Jeff:

I'm pretty sure what we need at our country's helm is not a vampire, but Abe Lincoln. Zombie Abe Lincoln. Only a genetically engineered zombie Abe Lincoln who was not preoccupied with eating brains, but could think rationally (kind of like the zombies in Trailer Park of Terror, which is maybe one of the unintentionally funniest movies I have ever seen). Because think about this: If Abe Lincoln was so far ahead of his times in the 1860's and was more or less a political genius, think of what 140 years of doing nothing but laying in his grave thinking about things has given him. He probably has ultimate knowledge/mad logic skillz (with a "z").

Oh man, now that I have Trailer Park of Terror on the brain, I want to make a list. So I will.

Top 3 Unintentionally Funny Horror Movies
(I love cheesy horror movies, so I'm kind of an expert. I was originally gonna make a Top 5 list, but I couldn't think of any others that live up to the standards set by these three. Go out and rent these. Right now.)

3.) Vampire Assassin - Don't be fooled by the cover. This is nothing like the Blade movies. There isn't even anyone in the movie who looks like the guy on the cover. I'm pretty sure this was made with a $10 budget by illterate people who knew how to use two effects on iMovie: the lightning bolts, and the swooshing sound. Picture an overweight black man learning kung fu from an octogenarian to turn into a vampire hunter. Highlights: Slovak (the main vamp) deflecting bullets with his cape, the giant ogre-type guy in the cut up shirt, and the final lines.

2.) Trailer Park of Terror - A bus full of misguided high schoolers coming back from a church trip intended to help purify their souls crash and end up stranded in a trailer park from hell. Literally. The zombies in this movie are no ordinary zombies, but are capable of disguising themselves as ordinary humans and plotting crazy stuff. This might have been a religious metaphor for redemption (because of the church trip affiliations and the fact that the one girl who lives "ONLY WANTED TO BE LOVED!!!!") but it's mostly you're typical bad-horror-movie-bloodbath. Highlights: A guy with a mullet and sideburns playing guitar on top of a trailer next to a confederate flag, Trace Adkins cameo where he makes snakes evaporate, and a pot field booby-trapped with mines.

1.) Dracula 3000 - It takes place in the year 3000 on an abandoned space junker. Where Dracula somehow wound up. It stars Coolio as a burned out genius, along with Baywatch bombshell Erika Eleniak as a cyborg. The whole movie seems like it's going to turn into a porno (it's that cheap looking and all of the women are that scantily clad). I can't remember much beyond that because I was too busy laughing to pay that close of attention (although I do recall a paraplegic scientist, a very manly woman with a Russian accent, and someone else who had at one point been semi-famous, but obviously was struggling at the time the script for this movie landed on his agent's desk). Highlights: Coolio saying "I want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas," and the secret clip after the credits. How is this not a winner? No competition.

Honorable Mentions: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Killer Klowns from Outer Space.

What are your top 3 unintentionally funniest movies?

1 comment:

  1. Number one has to be "Gigli." The fact that it ends with a handicapped guy getting to go to a dance party on the beach caps it off.

    I'll have to think about 2 and 3.