Wednesday, April 28, 2010

White Boy Shuffle

Location: Desk (how boring)
Listening to: Commercials (also boring)
Day's til Graduation: One less than yesterday (aka I can't remember)
Followers: NINE!!!!!!

I'm more or less hyperventilating right now, I'm so excited. :DDD Welcome to AllysonKate and Nicole! I looovvveee getting new followers. And I am pretty dang honored that you guys decided to follow me. Thanks!

In other, sadder news: Today I went to the funeral of that police officer I mentioned the other day. He was a liasion officer for my school district, and a close neighbor of my friend Melissa. Her parents are out of town, so some of us went with her to the funeral. It was so sad. The church was completely packed with people. A lot of people had to stand around the outside in the aisles, and some even got turned away because there was no place to put them. The priest was kind of insensitive. He kept trying to make jokes about things and gave a big spiel about he was this huge influence on the police officer's life and how he knew all of his personal problems and how maybe it was better that he was gone because now he won't have all these issues.

I guess I haven't been to many funerals (the last one I can remember was when I was 5 and still didn't understand the concept of the word "funeral". Afterwards, I asked my mom when we got to go to the party...) but it just seemed kind of callous to me. Other than that, it was a beautiful ceremony. A few people gave eulogies, including his 15-year-old daughter. She was so strong. She had everyone laughing through their tears by telling stories about her dad throwing her cell phone out a car window on accident, and all kinds of other things. She was the only speaker who didn't crack during their speech. I can't imagine the courage and strength it would take to do that.

I need to do something to cheer up now. So, in the spirit of my Speech class (in which we are giving demonstration speeches), I will tell you: How to Identify a Douchebag (which is not my topic, but I wish it was).

How to Identify a Douchebag

Disclaimer: Because I have dated a vast array of D-bags, I feel kind of like an expert on identifying them. Please note that not all guys who display these attributes are D-bags or assholes, and likewise, not all D-bags/assholes have these attributes. The Douche is a mysterious breed capable of assimilating into all kinds of situations and social groups. These are just some guidelines for basic identification in their natural environment, so you can avoid dating them or simply being in their presence.

 1.) The D-bag is a stylish creature. They tend to dress in trendy clothes including (but not limited to): polo shirts, distressed denim, and aviator glasses. A stereotypical douche may also wear a visor turned upside-down and to the side. However, do not be fooled! Douche's possess the ability to camouflage themselves, making it nearly impossible to distinguish them from normal guys simply by appearance.

2.) In more cases than not, Douchebags will play some kind of instrument or another. Usually the electric guitar. He will probably believe that he is more skilled in this instrument than he is in reality, but occasionally he may be an exceptional musician. The musical D-bag will probably be part of a band with a name like "FireStorm" or "East Coast Party". He will probably play music that he considers extremely profound, with lyrics about the girls he has dated or things he believes will make him seem "sensitive". Probably, this music will make your ears feel minorly assaulted, as it will be nonrhythmic and posses a small amount of unnatural screaming/shrill high notes. It will be the kind of music his fellow Douches will sway back and fourth and bob their heads to. This is known as "The White Boy Shuffle".

3.) Douchebags will take great pride in their vehicle. It does not matter if they have a super nice Mustang or a crusty old van. This thing will be their baby. If you insult it (even indirectly, even on accident) they will throw a hissy fit the likes of which most 5-year-olds wish they could achieve.

4.) These types of boys are pretty much toddlers with bigger shoes. They like getting their way, and they will let you know how upset they are when they don't. They pout and whine and pitch fits left and right. Most of the time, they don't have actual arguments for why they deserve to get their way. They simply know that they should, and think you should know it, too. They also very seldom work for what they want. Instead, D-Bags would love for it to just fall in their laps.

5.) This particular breed of boy has a very fragile ego. It's my belief that they evolve (or, maybe, devolve?) into Douches in order to protect their self esteem. Sadly for them, it just gives people more reasons to be annoyed/repulsed by them. If you insult anything he likes or believes, the D-Bag will take it very personally, perhaps even going so far as to break up with you or disown you as a friend for not sharing the same beliefs. They are very single minded this way.

6.) The Douchebag's natural habitat includes sports bars, high school cafeterias, and college quads. They like public places where they can pray on pretty, unsuspecting girls. They generally surround themselves with undesirable characters in an attempt to make themselves look better.

7.) Douches generally have "a thing". This may be a cause, a hobby, or an extremely strong opinion that they focus their personality around. This "thing" defines their existence. It gives them something they can always talk about and use to try and impress the ladies. Usually, it's something that could be construed as creative/sensitive, but in their case comes off as forced or cheesy. They may not even be genuinely interested in it. To them, it's something that will appeal to females in an attempt to help them get in their pants.

I'm sure there's more things I could think of if I put my mind to it, but that's all I've got for now. That was probably the most fun I've had all day (it probably helps that I was watching America's Next Top Model as I wrote). So, Internet, I hope you have a wonderful, douche-free night. I know I will. :)

1 comment:

  1. Hmm, that's very handy information. I think you should print out pocket size guide books, so that if people run into someone they think maybe a douche, they can whip out the book to see if they check out.